My favorite Christmas memories number 2

A friend sent me a quick email. Would I mind finding some things for a baby girl that was born and the parents did not have anything for her. ANYTHING... not even a crib. She left the hospital with a couple of blankets and outfits.

Oh my goodness - I LOVE to do things like this! This is ME from head to toe. I love to ask people to help. I love to explain things like this to my kids. I love to see what is provided and I am always, ALWAYS surprised!

A short posting on Facebook asked if anyone wanted to be a Christmas angel to this little girl. First reply from a generous friend with a huge heart. Second reply from a woman whose very nature is nurturing. Third reply from the single mom whom we were going to adopt her baby (see all the adoption postings - it is a long story), but she decided to keep it.

Yep, the mom and I are friends on Facebook. And here is this single mom who is up to her ears taking care of darling 6 month old Bethany and she wants me to know she has clothes to donate. Seriously - see what I mean by pleasant surprises? I am so proud of that mom! Chris, never a big Facebook fan, told me he wa

s a Facebook believer - with a one day posting we were able to get all the baby essentials.

As people brought things over, I had them drop the bags in the living room - which just happens to be where we put the Christmas tree. There was a stash of baby things: a stroller, clothes, blankets, a diaper bag, the most darling bedding EVER, towels - and with 2 cash donations we even got a crib and mattress. All things baby!!

And that is when it hit me... to me these "gifts" which found their way into our living room were the most meaningful things under the tree this year. Random people giving gifts and expecting n

othing in return - they were just doing it because a part of them loves to help others.

Could anything be more appropriate? A crib for a little baby that did not have a bed, in honor of another baby that was placed in a manger.

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus laid down His sweet head.
The stars in the sky looked down where He lay,

The little Lord Jesus, asleep on the hay.

Baby Zoe Update

Some people are going to read this post and think I am crazy... but here it is. Baby Zoe was born last Tuesday night. On Wednesday, I talked to the birth mom and asked her if I could come visit. I mean seriously - who goes to visit the baby that they are not adopting? But I felt like I really wanted to say good-bye to this little girl we have invested so much thought and prayed in. And while we have been disappointed and hurt, I have never felt anything but understanding and compassion for the birth mom.

Anyway, she agreed. I didn't think it would be a good idea to show up unannounced - can't you see them locking down the hospital because they thought I was some deranged woman coming to steal the baby! Now that would have been a story!

To make things even more bizarre, the kids overheard me talking to the birth mom and asked if they could come see the baby, too.

So there we were, a brand new single mom trying to learn to feed. Three kids fresh from swimming and mesmerized by the new born's belly button. The rejected adopted mom (that would be me). And a darling little baby with more hair then my kids have ever had.

No one cried. Well, except for baby Zoe, who now goes by the name Bethany. The mom asked me if I wanted to hold her. When I took her from her mom, she started to cry. Now I know logically that she cried because she was just yanked away from dinner. But at the same time it felt like it was verifying that Bethany wanted her mommy... her birth mommy. I had heard of baby grief - they long for the person they had heard and smelled for 9 months and I felt like this was God's way of showing me that Bethany would have felt that grief. And that even though life will not be easy for them - it is the best thing for her.

In case you are wondering - what exactly do you talk about to the birth mom who changed her mind? Well, not much. We talked about normal baby stuff. How much did she weigh? How long were you in labor? How is she eating?

And most of all I told her that Bethany was just beautiful, congratulations and I am sure you will be a great mommy.

But we want her to...

Well - it has been a crazy week. We met with the agency on Tuesday to discuss options. I appreciated the director's frankness when she said that we had about 0% chance of adopting a healthy baby. Since we already have 3 children with no history of pregnancy issues, we would be good candidates to adopt a hard to place child. Hard to place would mean a child from a different race (and for us that is not a problem at all - we are always surprised when people think that is a big issue), the mom has alcohol or drug issues, children with extreme behavioral or emotional issues, older children, sick children. She mentioned 3 children that are looking for placement - 2 boy siblings with severe behavior issues or a baby who has a disease that is so rare she is the only case in Colorado. How heartbreaking is that? Are we feeling led this way - no. We both feel that is not a good option for our family - but how sad. These sweet, innocent children that do not have a home.

International adoption is an option, but there are several countries we do not qualify for. For Nepal, if you have both boy and girl biological children you can not adopt. Some countries we are too old. Some countries you have to go and stay for several MONTHS (not sure how that happens with 3 kids at home!). And there are some countries we do meet the requirements for - we would need to work with another agency who focuses on international adoption, as well as our current agency who would complete the homestudy.

We could terminate the contract and if Zoe's mom changes her mind after the baby is born - we could do everything on the other end. A messy, chaotic option, but still an option.

We asked the director for a few days to process our options. Yesterday I was suppose to meet with the birthmom and she called me at the last minute to back out. She has dropped out of her GED classes. There are just not a lot of happy solutions.

We told the kids this weekend. Fletcher had asked originally if the baby's mom was going to be sad to let her go. We told them that she was sad, in fact she was so sad she decided she might want to keep baby Zoe for herself (note to self - if we go through this again - don't name the baby until the last minute!). Piper, who is the one who talks about baby Zoe the most was the one that accepted it the best (the blessing of being 4). Fletcher was also sad, but Grif was the most upset. He cried for over 30 minutes and said, "But tell the mommy we want her, too. We want to keep her, too."

Chris leaves town on Tuesday, so I will meet with the director again next week with our final decision.

This adoption is probably not going to happen

It looks very likely that the adoption has fallen through.

The birth mom has arranged for childcare. She has a new job. They have asked that the case stay open in case she changes her mind after the birth, but no one is optimistic. It is obvious now that we did not understand how cultural differences might play into this decision. I just got off the phone with Chris - yes, we knew the risk when we started the process and we totally understand her decision and know that God has a plan and it all works out in the long run and are glad that this little girl will never have to deal with feeling abandoned by her mother and trust that this is the best decision for all. But still I am very disappointed. Yesterday I ran into another mom I know vaguely - she not only has a little adopted daughter, she works for an adoption agency. We talked through all of this and I even amazed myself about how I have had a total sense of peace and calmness ever since the warning signs started to appear - but that has evaporated today.

I know that I can not even put myself in the same category as someone that had a miscarriage, but we do feel a great loss. We have been preparing for this new member of the family - we are all excited, but it is what it is. This is a situation that I can not control in any way. I am sad, disappointed and heart broken. I am mad - not at the birth mom - but at the situation. Wondering what we will tell the kids (even though we will probably not say anything until after the birth mom has taken the baby home from the hospital and everything in final).

Plans from here - well, ironically we have 9 hours of adoption interviews scheduled for the next 2 weeks! I have to get my fingerprints done for the THIRD time for FBI and CBI checks. We are scheduling an appointment with the Adoption Agency director to see what are options are. We are planning on completing the home study process in case she changes her mind. We could look at domestic adoption, international adoption or nothing at all. I really have no idea...

If you give a mom a paintbrush

Work has begun on the new big girl room for Piper. With the hope of the new baby, everyone is being moved around. The playroom has become the office, the office is now the boys room, the boys room will be Piper's room and the baby will be in Piper's old room.

Piper wanted a girly room. I did not want to repaint the green walls. We compromised. Check back to see the results for the most girly room around.

Adoption update

We are praying for the baby's birth mom who is going through a very difficult time. We realized in the beginning that there are no easy answers here and even if we have the privilege to raise this baby in our family - there is loss and grief all around. We are moving forward, but realize that we have no idea what the outcome will be.

All of our paperwork is in except for our FBI checks. We hope that the home study will start within the next 2 weeks.

Baby count down... 52 days!

The Doll

A couple of years ago, Chris's parents brought Piper a darling handmade rag doll from Africa. This made me start wondering if I could find a doll made in Burma for the new baby.

Does God think of everything or what? On a web site that had baskets and purses made from around the world, guess what I found? The ONLY doll in the catalog just happens to be made by Karen women living in refugee camps in Thailand (the exact story of our birth mom before she arrived in the states 1 1/2 years ago). The doll is dressed in traditional clothing.

And for every doll purchased, a child in the refugee camp will receive a doll, too. Two different little girls, half way around the world from each other, will be given a wonderful gift. For our daughter it will be a piece of where she came from and for the other little girl it may be just what she needs until she gets to where she is going.

LOVE IT!

The doll can be found on the Amber Chand Web Site and is from the non profit organization WEAVE (Women's Education for Advancement and Empowerment) that has set out to support marginalized women and their children with health, education and training programs. They have established 39 nursery schools with over 3,500 children in three refugee camps in Thailand.

Adoption Sayings for the Future

I am not naive. I know that adopting a child from another race will be a strange idea to some people. I know that well meaning, kind people will say stupid and offensive things because they are curious. I know that at some point, I will need to have difficult conversations with my future daughter because someone said something mean to her.

This was confirmed at the two day adoption training Chris and I attended this weekend. Out of the 30 families there, I would say at least 80% were adopting cross culturally. Sweet Chris, who always has a kind heart, was shocked when he heard some of the things that people say to adopted kids.

I am a very open person and not easily offended. The majority of the time I plan to be open and honest. Even though there are some ignorant and racist people, I know that the majority of people asking questions are sincere and just not thinking about how they are asking questions or how it might sound to an adopted child. The best example I can give for my children would be to give honest, level minded answers that can help educate other people. However, it is fun to think of those snappy comebacks - you know the ones you always think of an hour after you needed it.

So I have decided to be prepared and start compiling a list of one line comebacks. Would love ideas from anyone else that has had this experience. I will keep adding on to the list as time goes by - so send me ideas!

1. How much did she cost? --Not enough, because to us she is priceless.


2. What is she? --A girl.


3. Are you her "real" mom? --What do I look like, a hologram?


4. Are her real parents dead? --Do I look dead to you? --Last time I checked I was still breathing.


5. Why didn't you adopt a white baby? --Because I fell in love with this one.


6. Do you have to feed her a lot of rice? -- Oh my goodness, you mean I am suppose to feed her?


7. What do you know about her real parents? --I know that her real mom took one look at her and knew it was a match made in Heaven.


8. Does she know she is adopted? -- She knows she is loved.


9. Wasn't she lucky to be adopted into your family? --No, we are the lucky ones.


10. Is she your real daughter? --More real than you can ever imagine.

Below are some not as nice answers I found on the Internet, but they sure are funny:

1. How much did she cost? --Obviously more than your education. --We had a coupon. --if you have to ask, you can't afford it. --A lot more than your trashy kids.


2. Why didn't you adopt white babies? -- well, I'm actually Korean but my face was disfigured in a rice picking accident. --Why didn't you? --We really wanted a blue one, but they were taken --we wanted to match our couch ----What, and deprive some nice neo-Nazi couple of a white baby? That would be selfish!


3. The Asian babies are really cheap, aren't they? -- you tell me, you seem to be the cheap expert here. --Not as cheap as your handbag. --Not according to our grocery bill. --They are cheaper if you go through Geico.


4. Do you have to feed her a lot of rice? -- are you feeding yours a lot of baloney? --Yes, I tried to wean her off rice, but she started speaking Spanish. --Do you eat a lot of spaghetti?


5. Does she know she is adopted?-- No, we took down all the mirrors in the house so she wouldn't guess. --No, she didn't know, thanks a lot for telling her. --oops, well she knows now. --No, we told her she was dropped off from a spaceship.


6. What do you know about her REAL parents? -- I know they are sick of stupid questions.


7. Is she your real daughter? --No, she is my imaginary friend.

Ha - it makes me laugh just to think about these! Seriously, I know that I was one of those "adoption question askers" before this all started. I HOPE I asked in non offensive ways, but of course I asked, mainly because we were interested in adopting and I wanted more information. I can barely see an adopted child without wanting to ask more about their story. I thought it was such a wonderful thing and we were thinking of adoption and I wanted to know more. I would say 98% of the people who ask questions fall into this category. We have had plenty of people ask about the cost of adoption and it does not offend me at all - many people have adoption in the back of their minds and this may just be a step in the process and it is a normal question and very practical. I am more than happy to talk to anyone about it.

But woe to the person that encounters me on a bad day... because I will be prepared.

Paperwork

Tomorrow is our first of two 8 hour trainings we have to complete for the adoption. I always heard there was a lot of paperwork - but I had no idea! We are completing our paperwork and then the home study will begin.

I just completed my autobiography questions - it took over 7 hours and 13 pages. The questions range from family origin (describe your family's adaptability to change or how are you like/unlike other members of your family), growing up, courtship and marriage (what attracted you to your husband/wife - I asked Chris if he wanted me to fill out that section for him and if he needed any help spelling beautiful), in-law questions, children questions, general parenting questions and on and on.

We have to get HIV test and fingerprinted and check-ups and interviewed and financial reports and so on. Call me naive - but I had no idea it was so indepth. But I am thankful that they put so much time and effort into making sure the children go to secure homes.

Now off to bed, since we have to have the kids at the sitters at 8:30. Thank goodness for helpful friends we can trust.

And it is all worth it!

Welcome to the family - the Baby Vote

Tonight was a very big night for the Crawford family. At dinner, Chris explained that we had been asked to adopt a baby and we wanted to take a family vote to see if this was the right decision. I had ice cream in the freezer in case I needed to buy any votes, but when Fletcher stood up and cheered, I felt confidant enough to put the ice cream scooper away.

Everyone wrote out their "secret heart shaped ballot". Piper gave her answer away when she asked how to spell "Yes". Griffin gave his answer away when he showed her his paper to copy. Then everyone had a chance to share their vote. 5 votes - it was unanimous. Baby girl is welcomed with open arms! We celebrated with pink cake and sparkling pink juice.

Some updates and cute stories:

• Yesterday the birth mom was approved for Medicaid - we are so thrilled, it takes so much stress out of the unknown. We are constantly amazed at how God seems to be taking care of every little detail in this adoption!


• The dad is moving away, so the agency called to say they wanted to expedite the paperwork. The birth mom has now signed all papers (even though she still has 4 days after the birth to change her mind) and the dad is going in next week to sign everything.


• Two days ago while walking to school I said, "I love three kids - can anyone guess who they are?" Fletcher said, "You don't love three kids, you love four kids. You are forgetting about the adopted one." This was before our talk tonight!


• Today I took Piper with me to buy the cake. I said I wanted something so we could celebrate our family. When we were picking out the juice, we were also on the baby aisle. Piper said, "I want to buy a pacifier." Strange request since she gave it up a couple of years ago. I asked why. She said for the baby we are going to have someday - and since she was hoping for a girl she picked out pink and purple.


• After dinner tonight I was helping Fletch with his homework. He had to write 5 sentences about a family member. He wrote about the Baby and that he was so haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapy. I made him rewrite happy - but he wanted to make sure his teacher knew he was really happy.


• All the kids want to share rooms with the baby and promise to help and change diapers and hold her and feed her a bottle. Hmmm, Maybe I should have video taped that so they won't forget! They have all forgotten what it is like to have a baby in the house. Of course, last time we had a baby - they were really all just babies themselves!

Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." I could not have planned things to go this well - yes, I understand anything can happen and people back out and things can change - but admit it - this has to be more then coincidence. God seems to have made a puzzle of the Crawford family and is taking great strides to put this little baby's puzzle piece in it!

Adoption News

Well - this will be short, no news. What has happened, since I went public with the news, is that i have been overwhelmed by the support and excitement of all our friends. It has TRULY been an encouragement and blessing to hear from others.
Friends that have adopted and know more about the process.
Friends that have been adopted and have shared with me their feelings.
Friends that pray for us.
Friends that are excited and ask how things are going.
Wise friends with wise words.
My mom that calls and asks if we have any new information on our baby girl.

This has really touched us and encouraged us. Some people have been surprised that I have been so public when so much is still unknown (including Chris who commented that someone mentioned something to him about us adopting on Facebook! Word flies on the Internet.). And even if this all blows up in our faces, I am so thankful that I have been able to share this and hear the hearts and thoughts of so many friends.

Status... on Valentine's day we began filling out our application. It seemed like the appropriate day to begin sharing our hearts with our possible new family member. The birthmom went to Medicaide on Friday, but was not able to get an appointment with the "Wizard of Medicaide" until the 24th. We have also heard from people who did not have insurance when they had a baby and it has been very informative. So, we are still crossing our fingers for the medical - but we are moving forward. Things have just moved so smoothly, we feel God is in the whole process.

And today I stopped by the preschool office and put our name on the waiting list for a baby girl in 2011.

Roller Coaster

I am having a difficult time focusing on things and am somewhere between exhausted and hyper (is that possible). Things are moving quickly with the possible adoption and I just want to press stop on the remote and take a breath. We met with the adoption agency. The birthmom met with the agency. It is a girl. The birth date is June 12. God seems to be carefully putting all the little pieces together. Last night Chris and talked about baby names. I can feel myself starting to get attached. I spent Bible study this morning trying out name combinations instead of listening to the lecture. I talked to our mutual friend and reassured him that this is going to be a roller coaster of emotions for both us and the birth mom.

But at the time I said this so self assuredly, I was on the top of the roller coaster. Then bad news... yes the birth mom has insurance, but no it does not cover anything. Zero. Nada. We would be responsible for all medical expenses out of pocket. I know people do this - but it just scares me to death. What if there are complications. One friend shared that complications in her pregnancy cost $400,000. That make me dizzy. Is that possible?

Doctor visits, hospital costs, how much is an epidural? Nothing like bills to suck the fun out of this. No wonder people adopt internationally - at least there is a limit.

I find myself praying for Medicaid. Time is running out. What is the next step? How does this work? I know that this is not a new problem - how do normal people adopt? I have never felt time ticking so quickly before! Suddenly I am craving socialized medicine!

Please keep praying for us. I hope to find solutions and I hope that we will be on top of that roller coaster really soon.

It seems that if God can randomly drop a baby from a culture half a world away into my backyard with a sign that says, "please take me" He should be able to take care of this little side issue. :)

Changes in our lives

I am not even sure if I will post this. Nothing is certain and Chris and I are still in the processing and praying stage. But here goes - and we will see if (and when) this actually appears on my blog.

Wednesday night everything was going along very smoothly. Chris had taken the kids to a basketball game with the cub scouts. I was getting ready to host about 5 women at our house for a PTO meeting to plan the End of Year Party for Meadowview Elementary. I received a call from a friend. Long story short... there is a girl that is pregnant and they wanted to know if we would be interested in adopting a baby that is due in June.

Well - that is a bit of a surprise on an ordinary Wednesday night.

Chris and I have always talked about adopting internationally. But we have never attended an adoption conference, met with an agency or done any of the practical steps to make it happen. We just never felt an urgency. I did realize that with the ages of our kids (not to mention MY ripe old age), that if we were going to adopt, it would need to be in the near future.

But here it is - out of the blue - someone almost handing this to us and asking if we wanted to move forward... quickly.

My first impulse was to say yes, but since I had not even talked to Chris I figured that was pretty rash. I told Chris, his first impulse was to say yes. But of course this can not be something that is taken lightly or a decision that should be spur of the moment.

My way to handle big issues is to research them. While Chris works well off instinct, I like to have facts and practical information. Since I know very little about the adoption process, especially domestic adoptions - I delved into an Internet search. Well, that is enough to scare anyone away! Holy cow - I was quickly overwhelmed by the amount of information and opinions.
We both talked to a few people. We both have prayed about it. I called a few adoption agencies to ask questions. I talked to almost everyone I know that either has 4 kids or have adopted - and if they have 4 kids with one adopted, well they were on the top of my list (those are rare - but they exist).

The selfish part of me remembers how I have gushed this year about how easy and enjoyable life is. I have encouraged my friends with small kids, "There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Just wait - it gets SO much better". I have loved not buying diapers, not having to buckle someone into their car seat, and being able to go to the park without anxiously watching in 3 different directions. It is fun to do big kid things with our children and not have to stop for naps.

No doubt about it, that first year when everyone was three or younger was very difficult - I call it "the dark year" since I remember very little. It is all lost in a fog. This year I have felt like the old me! I enjoy my one on one time with the kids. I read more books, I actually complete my Bible study (well, most of the time), I go out on girls nights, Chris and I went to Costa Rica without the kids - not only have I seen the light - the light is bright and shiny and fabulous!

This morning Chris left on a trip, so I took the kids to church. Not able to concentrate on the sermon, I started a Pros and Cons list. After completing it, it was actually comical to review. While some of the Cons are valid, like honestly thinking about how I will feel with 4 more years of a little one at home, most of the Cons are items that I am almost embarrassed to admit.

• Vacations will be more expensive
• I thought I might get a part time job
• Life is so easy right now, why would I mess that up?
• We won't be able to go skiing as easily

The Pro side was totally different

• This is the type of person that I want to be
• The Bible talks about how real faith is taking care of widows and orphans - do I really have that type of faith? Or do I just like to talk about it
• This is the type of person I hope my kids grow up to be
• This would teach all of us to be less selfish
• This would be another person we could share our lives with
• What will be more significant years from now, that I took a vacation or that we added a person to our family
• This will allow our kids to grow
• The kids are bigger now and can actually help
• This is more than I could have hoped for - an Asian (yep, international adoption without going international) baby that will be born in Denver to two people that do not come from a drug or abusive background.
• I have always been scared about bonding issues that sometimes occur with foreign adoptions, we would be at the birth of this baby and bring him/her home from the hospital
• Fletcher and Griffin will both be in school all day next year so that will free up some time
• We could offer this child an instant family

When you compare them side by side - there is no comparison. We will see where God leads...